So You’re Dubbed the Family Health Advisor? Here’s One Way to Help Your Loved Ones.

I’m the oldest of three in my family and a first-generation American. Answering questions and helping to navigate systems feels innate at this point. Still, like nearly everyone who has encountered the US healthcare system (whether it's your first day or you come from a lineage of healthcare professionals), you can empathize with the difficulties of navigating and knowing how to help. As a healthcare consumer, here’s a guide for the average non-clinician who’s looking to help family or loved ones, especially when ‘no’ seems like a far unlikely alternative (let's be clear: you’ve been shut down by such a remark).

What usually happens

“It takes too long.”

“It’s expensive and useless.”

“They’ll just give me pills and tell me to come back in 6 weeks.”

The complainant train is unfortunately too familiar when it comes to doctor’s visits and a friend or family member’s request for me to play Dr. Google. What I used to do is attentively listen, go back and do research, and then come back with a list of interventions to consider. This is absolutely fine. But if you’re anything like me, 4 weeks after when you’re eagerly checking on your fo patient, you’re surprised, unsettled, or even upset that nothing has changed. “I tried really hard,” the thought would cross. It doesn’t matter.

What I’ve learned after many failed attempts is this: Treat important advice (like in the case of health and wellness) like a marketing challenge. Unless the pain is urgent and dire and delivered in a way that matters to your close friend or family member, it’ll be nothing but a nice exchange of information. Time you could have instead spent watching the latest tennis tournament (go Ons) or actually making the trip to the sauna.

Here’s one example of what I did that can inspire you to spend less time while also having a greater likelihood of influencing. Because, after all, these are people we love. While it’s unfortunate parts of your counsel aren’t taken (as my sister would elegantly put it: don’t get ‘butt hurt), what’s most important is if your loved one isn’t taking care of themselves mainly because they feel trapped with our confusing healthcare choices.

Understand the context, goals, and motivations

One casual Tuesday, my mother-in-law pulled me aside and showed me a paper. “My doctor told me I’m pre-diabetic,” she said in a serious tone, her shoulders in an unwanted shrug. Familiar with what not addressing this lifestyle could mean, she immediately asked for what changes she could implement and went on to serve a dinner missing her usual components: the bit of sugar that helped balance the sour, spicy, and salty taste, the umami from the usual sprinkle of msg, and the additional serving of a sweet fruit after dinner — all missing. Still delicious, it was certainly a ‘things are changing’ type of meal, signaling a good time to offer newish suggestions (or reemerge ones with bad timing). 

Unless you too are bumped over the head with such a meal, practically speaking, this first step requires you to gauge where your loved one stands. One way to do this is to ask helpful open-ended questions, like:

1. What matters most to you (in relation to the health and wellness topic at hand)?
2. What would you ideally want to happen?
3. What parts of your lifestyle are optimal and which do you need to work on?

Or, going a more visual and exploratory route, use tools like this circle diagram provided by IIN (where I trained as a Health Coach). This visual exercise helps spark conversation about what areas of your loved one’s life feel fantastic and those they could really use extra support with. Listen to what matters to them.

Being pretty close to my mother-in-law (MIL), I already had a good pulse on her key stressors, what she cares most about, and what’s working and not working well. Below is a high-level chart that helps illustrate the point. This mental inventory helped me refine what to pursue, and while not exhaustive, it covers some important healthy lifestyle areas.

My subjective yet well-informed score across various dimensions of H+W for my MIL. *1=bad 10=best.

Research and advise using the format he/she cares about

While a huge fan of Huberman (officially now mainstream after his visit to the Tonight Show), I knew sending a series of 2-hour episodes, or even HubermanAI easy-to-follow clips, is not for everyone — certainly not for my MIL. Before you start recommending and sending supporting links, find out their preferred medium or ones they clearly value over others.

In the case of my MIL, (shorter) YouTube videos and recommendations shared by her network of SE Asian friends, especially when delivered by a qualified MD, earn a quality rating. Knowing this, I researched credible sources and only shared examples in video format or those I believed would easily be distributed by her group.

Putting it all together (and prioritizing your suggestions)

Going back to the point of approaching this as a marketing challenge, reducing friction here matters. When it comes to recommending what to do, start with quick wins — focus on the areas that are more likely to succeed. Your friend or family member will be compelled by the dopamine hit and want to do more.

In the case of my MIL, I honed in on nutrition, an area she scored well in but could use some additional support, and then went to exercise.

Guidance I Provided

The first month and a half following my MIL’s ask to help, I asked her to focus on choosing lower glycemic fruits and also sequence her consumption in a way that front-loaded fiber from vegetables, followed by fats from oils, nuts and other, and end with protein and carbs.

6 weeks after this change, my MIL revisited her doctor for blood work and was motivated by her bloodwork, having reduced her HA1c by 0.4 points, almost clear of the pre-diabetes range (formerly, at 6.2).

Encouraged to do more, the next piece of advice focused on getting her to move or exercise more. I led with the easier ask followed by one that required more commitment.

Sources linked in the chart include this article by Peter Attia as well as this post by Dr. Andy Galpin.

Final Thoughts

It's now been over three months since my MIL’s prediabetes diagnosis. While she hasn’t had additional lab work yet, I'm confident her numbers would show the positive impact of her sustained efforts and lifestyle changes. She feels more energized, less resistant to (pun intended) different exercise forms, and more motivated than ever to take charge of her health.

I hope this example can serve as a rubric for how you may help your loved one who refuses a ‘go back to see a doctor’ response. While by all means, lifestyle changes need to be shared with a qualified clinician, the everyday work between that office visit and the next time your friend and family member goes is something that he/she should be deeply invested in, and if you can help encourage them to stand up more for themselves, to do better, to ask better questions and feel better, why not?